So what happened to fervor.net you ask? Let’s just say it’s been one hell of an end to 2009.
The last few months have made me realize that our culture’s perception of death is all wrong. He’s not the Grim Reaper, a hooded figure roaming the countryside with a scythe in his hand, just waiting to poison the salmon mousse. Recent experiences have taught me that he’s more of a court jester, a joker like character with a sick sense of humor. I can see him in my mind, giggling as that car load of high schoolers fails to make that last hairpin turn, mere hours after receiving their diplomas. I can also see him in the hospital room of the Alzheimer’s’ patient who no longer remembers her own name. He could end her suffering whenever he wants, but in this case, he’s in no. Why should he be, when he has babies to drown in their bathwater, children to suffocate on plastic bags, and young adults to overdose on their first experimentations? He mocks our fears of the inevitable, but is equally bemused by our misunderstandings and reconciliations with our own demise. It doesn’t matter what your faith is, or how strong your family ties are, he’s going to get under your skin sooner or later. Before it’s all said and done, he’ll get you in more ways than one.
I learned that the hard way this last November when my Sister Janine passed away at the age of 62, a week after her retirement party. In all honesty, I cannot say her death was a surprise. She’s had heart problems for almost 20 years, and had made some poor decisions in response to those issues. It was a matter of time before the doctors couldn’t bring her back, and her time came on November 7th, 2009. What I didn’t know is that knowing all of this didn’t really mean a thing when it happened. You can repeat it like a mantra to yourself over and over again, but it doesn’t do you any good. All the bracing in the world can’t prepare you for when it actually happens. The shockwave is simply overpowering, and brings the joker an immeasurable amount of glee.
But we all move on, and I thought I had until about a month ago when my Mom had a mini stroke. Fortunately, when I say mini, I really do mean mini. Other than a little persistent numbness in her leg and arm, she seems pretty much no worse for wear. She can talk, get around as well as she could before, and is otherwise doing pretty well. About that point though, things started to go south for me. Suddenly it seemed like everything that had happened in the last couple of months had caught up with me in a big way. I found myself incredibly short tempered, snapping at coworkers for little or no reason. It didn’t take much to set me off into a crying jag either. Whatever stable ground I thought I’d found was gone, and my world became a very turbulent place. My existence was reduced to sleeping, eating junk food, drinking Guinness, and playing PS3. Other than that, I wasn’t into it. Entire weekends would pass where I’d only venture out to get more junk food or to bring the dog back in. No photography outings, no holiday parties, no nothing. Of course, that’s how our friend the joker wanted it too. I am sure his big, toothy grin glowed like a full moon on an icy field of snow.
After planning on not doing much of anything on Christmas Day, I had a change of heart and caught a plane for the Midwest. My Mom, who usually goes waaay off the deep end when it comes to Christmas decorations, had barely done a thing. She said she just wasn’t into it this year, and hadn’t bothered to put much out. While I could understand not being into decorating this year, having a stroke and all, I was a little more concerned about some of the other Christmas traditions that looked like they might be going by the wayside.
Before her passing, Janine had always made our family’s Christmas Eve dinner: a tray of lasagna. This year though, it sounded like no one wanted to step up and cook anything. In fact, they were even talking about getting some sort of deli tray. A deli tray? At Christmas? I’m sorry, but that wasn’t going to happen on my watch. I called my niece Jana when I hear about this, and she agreed to help me make our traditional Christmas dinner. We went to the grocery store and got everything we needed, set up shop in my mom’s kitchen, and began the process of making lasagna. It might not have been exactly faithful to Janine’s recipe (she hated Italian sausage), but it seemed to be pretty well received. All in all, I think Sis would have been proud of us.
While I never would have thought it possible, I think something in that kitchen helped me a lot. Maybe it was being around all those familiar objects, doing something Janine had done for as long as I could remember. Whatever it was, it felt good to make dinner for the family, using the same bowls and pans we’ve used all my life. Maybe its corny to say this, but making that dinner felt sort of like we were helping to keep her spirit alive. And maybe that’s what it’s all about? She may be gone, but she lives on in all of us and the things she gave us. Whether it be teaching me how to ride a horse when I was six, taking me for my 1st driving lesson when I was 14, or teaching me the family lasagna recipe, I have a lot of memories of her that will stay with me forever.
Our friend the Joker has moved on to other targets, inflicting his peculiar brand of misery on other people and other families. I know he will be back though. I hope it is later than sooner, but he will be back nonetheless to watch as we struggle through our grief. I can’t worry about that right now though. I have my own life to live, and I plan on living it to the best of my ability. I know the joker is smiling somewhere, but that’s ok. Right now, I am too, and that’s all we can really ask for.
Rest in peace, Sis. I love you.